All You Need Is Love
Thursday, September 09, 2010
How many songs and poems have said that same thing tritely over and over? But the beauty of these words is believing the full meaning.
Since my last post, a couple of you have mentioned to me on and offline that it made you feel really sad for me. I know what you mean--while it was a great discovery and great thing to remember of oneself, there was a tinge of being lost.
Well I am writing because I AM finding myself, finding my voice, and finding my love for life.
One of the biggest reasons (I believe) that this heaviness has prevailed is that I am a perfectionist. Yes, this is no surprise to those who know me! Part of that need for perfection is that you’re always fighting a losing battle. There is a constant need for improvements and you will always find something else that needs fixing or adjusting. For the past three years, I have been introspecting and self-examining and finding as much as I could to fix about myself. Even my “Journey of Self-Discovery” seemed to be more of an opening of Pandora’s box to the plethora of issues, both minor and major, that could use a tweek or two.
All that striving is exhausting. And it’s never ending. I’m not saying that we should never look to improve ourselves, but before any of that should be attempted, one needs to understand and believe that the first and most basic thing you need is love. It’s not love from someone else (though that’s nice and feels good)--no, this love is not external. YOU *MUST* LOVE YOURSELF.
That means unconditionally loving yourself and all your faults and quirks. Accepting yourself even if you sometimes get mad about silly things, cry too much, or need to win every argument you even walked past. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and see a lovable and loving person, despite your hangups and things that need to be fixed. You are, after all, a child of an amazing and wonderful God.
I have to admit that even though this love must come from within, I was shown how by two wonderful people in my life. My mom has shown me over and over how wonderful and accepting she is of me, never disappointed with how my life has gone, and always cheering me on from the stands. Even when I think I’ve failed, she tells me that I have not failed, but am on the road to achieving my goals.
The other person is Dennis. He has seen me struggle with my internal self-inquisition and told me repeatedly, “I wish you could accept yourself as you are.” The other night, I was telling him again that, “This personality that you’re looking at right now is not me! I’m going to get back to my old personality!” I sounded like someone who has gained a lot of weight but refuses to throw out my old clothes (for the time when I fit them again) and refuses to buy new ones (because that would show that I’m comfortable at the current weight). He looked at me and said, “You should accept your personality as it is. This is you--even with all the wounds and scars. This is the personality that I fell in love with.” I was so touched I cried in public!
So these two special people have shown me through their love how to love myself. And as I love myself more, it becomes easier to love those around me. I have felt more like myself in the past 3 days than I have all last year! All I needed was to understand that love is always the answer.