Woman vs. Roach: A New York Story
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Prepare thyself, gentle readers! For this post is not for the weak of heart!
I was just about to take my shower, when i pulled back the shower curtain, and THERE IT WAS, lying in wait for me!! (Psycho theme playing)
I stifled a scream, and all i could feel was intense nauseau as IT wiggled it’s antennas at me. (shudder) A ROACH!!!!
Not knowing what to do, i darted behind the curtain and took a minute to observe my enemy. Glossy and huge, the insect obviously knew no fear. Instead of scuttling away to the depths of hell from wence it came, it glared and me, yea it even took several steps TOWARD ME! Sensation returned to my fingers and my legs were once again able to move. (chase music ensues!) I ran to the shoe rack and found my weapon of choice: chunky healed Steve Madden loafers. Madden has always been good to me, and now he would serve me well!
I crept back to the bathroom, weapon in hand. Had he fled? NO. There he was, brazen as ever, holding his ground in the tub as if to say, “Come on, I DARE you to hit me with that shoe! I’ll survive! MWAHAHAHAHA!” My hand shaking, i put together my strategy. But before i could fully form my plans, he was crawling up the shower curtain to attack first! (LOTR orc horde attacking music)
In a panic i flipped the curtain away from me, sending the roach flying back into the tub. Before i had a chance to be afraid, I brought my mighty weapon down upon his doomed brow! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! and an extra THWACK! for good measure!
(music transitions to triumphant swell)
There I stood, triumphant over the corpse of my fallen foe. I had conquered! Vanquished my enemy. And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...well, you get the idea. (The worst part was definitely cleaning up my fallen foe. Ew!)
...
If only that were the end of the saga. Since that time, we have seen yea unto SIX foul beasties. They have all met their untimely demise whether it be by the Mighty Heel of Madden or by the vacuum cleaner, which hath no great appellation. And the exterminator seems to have something against us and manages to sneak in and out of the building while we wait for his visit.
AND SO THE WAR WAGES ON! DEATH UNTO MURDEROUS COCKROACH SPAWN FROM HELL!
Click on the image to behold, if you dare, the body of one of the slain foe (with nickel next to it for scale). Not as big as the one that was told of in the stories of yore (above), but gruesome nonetheless!
EWWWWWwwwwwww!!!!!!!
Posted by laura on 10/21 at 07:18 AMwow, that was one hilarious post, kat. so yucky though. i’m so lucky i haven’t run across roaches yet in my apt.
Posted by BRY on 10/21 at 06:16 PMthe mighty roach is the size of a baby roach in hawaii
something about the tropical environment that allows the german roaches that came from cargo ships originally to grow to the size of humming birds.
Posted by on 10/22 at 12:26 PMHaha. Apparently the closer one gets to the equator, the larger the roaches get, and the more talented their flying skills become, too.
The conversation cafe where I work on Wednesday nights sometimes has these big ones, too. One was nicknamed “Bob”. I think I killed him, and some students (or the manager) didn’t like that. So now we trap them in a cup, slide the paper underneath and toss them off the 5th floor balcony. I spent a good deal of time stalking one, finally caught him (in the process severing one of his legs) and flung him into space, only to return and have people pointing to another huge one on the center ceiling light. Once when the balcony was under construction and we couldn’t use it to fling roaches off of, the owner caught one and went out into the hall. “Oh, he’s going to another floor’s balcony, or he’s going outside,” I thought. But then he returned a few seconds later. Where’d he let it go? In the hall. Ahokaina!!!!
Fun that I used to call myself “roach”, eh?
Posted by Ramone on 10/22 at 10:52 PMthey’re good saute’d
Posted by Ryan Moore on 11/05 at 01:37 PM