Ever feel like you've failed?
Monday, December 06, 2004
I’m not talking about failing a course in school or you not doing your chores on time; I’m talking about in a grander-scheme-of-things sense.
I’ve been dealing with the reality of beggars in the streets and on the subways, constantly droning, “Excuse me ladies and gentlement, i’m ____ and i need money....” or “Have you got a dime?” I’ve had this bargain with God that if he *really* wants me to give money or help someone, he’ll give me a prompt and a way to help. I’ve been smugly sitting on the trains, pretty much ignoring every pan-handler that has passed by me because, “Hey man, didn’t get a prompt from God.”
But a couple of days ago, at my station, there was a larger white woman surrounded by luggage and crying into her hands. I felt the pull to go talk to her. But I was afraid. Of what, i don’t know. But i just didn’t want to. There were three rowdy girls behind me and i didn’t want to be in there way. What a great excuse, huh? So i looked at the crying woman, and walked past slowly. The twinge of guilt that was already starting to prick my conscience became a stab of guilt as the three gilrs behind me addressed the woman. “Are you oKAAAAY?” they asked abruptly. I don’t even know what the answer was, but it stuck with me that they asked and i hadn’t.
Yeah, that’s when i felt like i failed. Thankfully, God isn’t the kind who keeps track and tallies up your score for the end of life. He’s not the kind whose opinion of you depends on your every move, like his love for you is always in the balance. I feel horrible about passing up an opportunity he prompted me to take, but I’m thankful that where i fail, others fill in. And when i mess up, God never stops loving me. 
I did that the other day on the way home from work. I was walking along and noticed a U-Haul parked in the driveway of a duplex across the street. There was a guy struggling BY HIMSELF to push a decrepit old hide-a-bed through the front door.
I wavered. I faltered. I thought to myself, “I should help him.” But I really didn’t want to. I was in a hurry to get home to Leslie and Kristina who were waiting for me, and besides, I was all dressed up in my work clothes and that hide-a-bed looked dirty.
I just walked on by.
Grrrr.
So, I feel ya.
The good/bad news is that there are plenty of opportunities to help; plenty more broken hearts on the subway platform.
Posted by laura on 12/06 at 05:32 PMHey Kat,
several years ago at a beach vespers you were lamenting how it was unfair that God doesn’t communicate directly with you.
The lesson you wrote about is excellent, but I wanted to bring up this conversation from a few years back.
Why? Because on the subway he spoke to you. Directly to you! You, Kathy. You know, the one who God doesn’t speak to? Today, he spoke. And he will do it again. And next time you’ll know what to do.
Just thought I’d point this out to you so you don’t miss the significance of that interaction between you and the creator of the universe. Otherwise, there would be two failures instead of just one.
woot!
Posted by les on 12/06 at 05:38 PMRight on. God speaks to you, Kat. I know it ‘cause He spoke to me through you back when I was all crying on the stairs at Hakone. Remember *that*? I walked away believing.
But I know how you feel about this thing… remember awhile back how I helped homeless people here in Osaka? Well, we haven’t done that since I’ve come back. Can you imagine how that can feel? The enemy really tries to make me feel guilty sometimes. Other times, I know God might be pricking me to do something. Sometimes He wants me to pray, but I assume I have to go “all the way”.
I don’t have an answer for this situation, ‘cause it happens all the time… only here I have the excuse that I can’t speak the language.
However, the last time I did nothing was when a kind of mentally-handicapped guy on the subway was looking over at a girl reading her book and leaning strangely close to her. I said to myself it seemed strange and maybe I should go say something, or I don’t know, was it that strange? The girl got off at the next station and was visibly shaken and crying. After that I said I don’t care anymore, next time I’ll do something.
But that’s a different kind of situation. There’s a homeless guy on the way back from the conversation cafe I go to on Wednesday nights. Every time I walk past him and then walk past one of those soda & hot drink machines, and think, I should get him something. And then I walk further, thinking that I missed the moment and don’t want to miss my train. But then as I get closer to the train, I think, aww my train isn’t so important… here’s a guy who lives out here and has so little human contact, who gets walked by every day. And I turn around, walk back and get him some hot coffee or tea from the machine. And miss the train, but it’s worth it.
I’m still learning this all. And that’s *good*. If we always knew what to do each time or could answer every hypothetical “What would you do?” that people gave us, then I think we wouldn’t need God. Do you know what I mean? If you know “WWJD” in every situation, then what do you need to talk to Him for? But He wants us to talk to Him, to wait on Him, and to not be afraid to step out even though we’re unsure of if it’ll be ok or not.
Finally (sorry, this is long!), pray on the spot and don’t be afraid to go with your first instinct. And afterward, whether or not you “did” something, pray for the person. It’s hard because afterwards you might feel guilty or like “did I do the right thing?”, so then our prayers are more about *us*. But if we wait on God a moment, somehow each time He will let us know we don’t have to worry about us… we’re forgiven, and our prayer is about the person, not us.
Posted by Ramone on 12/06 at 07:09 PMack! i paused to reflect on what i’d write to you and find that i’ve been bumped all the way down here… *sigh* everyone pretty much covered the topic well so i just wanted to let you know i appreciate the openness in the blog. your other post about honesty/personalness in this thing still didn’t stop you from sharing this, that’s great that you did cause i know we all go through the same thing.
keep on being open to God’s ‘nudges’ and i’d love to hear what he asks for next! =)
Posted by kimi =) on 12/07 at 01:05 PM