Well I am writing because I AM finding myself, finding my voice, and finding my love for life.

One of the biggest reasons (I believe) that this heaviness has prevailed is that I am a perfectionist. Yes, this is no surprise to those who know me! Part of that need for perfection is that you’re always fighting a losing battle. There is a constant need for improvements and you will always find something else that needs fixing or adjusting. For the past three years, I have been introspecting and self-examining and finding as much as I could to fix about myself. Even my “Journey of Self-Discovery” seemed to be more of an opening of Pandora’s box to the plethora of issues, both minor and major, that could use a tweek or two.

All that striving is exhausting. And it’s never ending. I’m not saying that we should never look to improve ourselves, but before any of that should be attempted, one needs to understand and believe that the first and most basic thing you need is love. It’s not love from someone else (though that’s nice and feels good)--no, this love is not external. YOU *MUST* LOVE YOURSELF.

That means unconditionally loving yourself and all your faults and quirks. Accepting yourself even if you sometimes get mad about silly things, cry too much, or need to win every argument you even walked past. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and see a lovable and loving person, despite your hangups and things that need to be fixed. You are, after all, a child of an amazing and wonderful God.

I have to admit that even though this love must come from within, I was shown how by two wonderful people in my life. My mom has shown me over and over how wonderful and accepting she is of me, never disappointed with how my life has gone, and always cheering me on from the stands. Even when I think I’ve failed, she tells me that I have not failed, but am on the road to achieving my goals.

The other person is Dennis. He has seen me struggle with my internal self-inquisition and told me repeatedly, “I wish you could accept yourself as you are.” The other night, I was telling him again that, “This personality that you’re looking at right now is not me! I’m going to get back to my old personality!” I sounded like someone who has gained a lot of weight but refuses to throw out my old clothes (for the time when I fit them again) and refuses to buy new ones (because that would show that I’m comfortable at the current weight). He looked at me and said, “You should accept your personality as it is. This is you--even with all the wounds and scars. This is the personality that I fell in love with.” I was so touched I cried in public!

So these two special people have shown me through their love how to love myself. And as I love myself more, it becomes easier to love those around me. I have felt more like myself in the past 3 days than I have all last year! All I needed was to understand that love is always the answer.

I found myself hearing my own voice again for the first time. I sounded unfamiliar because I was so excited and interested in things happening around me! I was *looking* for interesting and extraordinary things. I thought things and situations were funny/beautiful/tragic/awe-inspiring and loved sharing them! Granted, this zest and “zeal” for life (Crichert, that’s for you!) could be because of my age (25 instead of 32) and the fact that I was living in NYC, which is undoubtedly an interesting city.

Still, there was something so optimistic and excited about the way I used to think and write. So what happened between now and then? I pondered and pondered and then it came to me. Back then I didn’t work - I went to school. I spent every moment of my day just being me because I didn’t have to be anyone else. Now I work for a big company and work in an environment that typifies corporate culture. When I first started, I was 27 and everyone thought I had just graduated from undergrad. No doctor wanted to be taught by someone who looked 21! I had to do something to make people take me seriously!

I dressed older (and by that I mean frumpier). I started wearing more makeup. I referenced movies and music from before my era. I started talking in more corporate tones with less emotion and less slang. Basically I’d do anything to make people believe I was older than they thought. Mind you, no one *made* me do this or even mentioned that I should. It was definitely my choice. However, after 4.5 years of working in that environment, I have more practice “sounding corporate” than I have at sounding like myself. 8 hours a day of acting and talking like a corporate robot is enough to make you forget what your “normal” voice sounds like. And once you forget your normal voice, you start to believe that you ARE the robot personae that you put on just for work.

Some part of me now believes that I am a little stuffy, that my primary skill is working with spreadsheets and Word documents, that maybe I’m not as gregarious as I once thought I was, that life really isn’t that interesting and must just be endured until the next time I can get a vacation. But none of that is true. It’s me beginning to believe the lie that I myself put in place. I don’t want to believe any of it any more.

So here I am, rediscovering how fun/funny I used to be and realizing that I still AM fun and funny! (and yes, I AM tooting my own horn, thank you very much!) It’s time to make a new choice to again find the interest in life and to capture the best parts of who I used to be. I have learned a lot over the past couple years, and so now I would like to blend the best of both of my experiences into a new and whole person--neither fully young and silly nor corporate and stodgy--but rather a mature person who embraces life and enjoys being herself in any situation and knows that being honest and appropriate will always be the winning combination in work and life.

This year-long jouney of rediscovery has so far been a truly interesting adventure!

Today, my team was taken out to lunch at work because of a job really well done on a certain project. When I got back, I got 2 separate emails saying what an awesome job I had done on 2 different projects! My head was swelling up so much I couldn’t fit through the door.

This weekend is looking pretty awesome too. We have plans to go to a dinner party at a friends place and then an Erykah Badu and Lupe Fiasco concert on Sunday. Woohooo! I super excited!

And follow that all up with a Laker parade on Monday?

What at great weekend! Hope you all enjoy yours too!

I threw out some suggestions. “How about Compton?” Met with silence. “Uh...how about Hawaiian Gardens...Is that even a real place? I’ve never heard of it before?” Needless to say, finding a place to meet up was a challenge. We finally decided to go to Cypress/Cerritos area. We found a cute little cafe called Cafe Hiro that had really great food. It was good catching up again!

Mini-Reunion #2
This past Tuesday, I got to see my old roommates from back in the day when we all lived together in a big ol’ cozy house in Grand Terrace with the drug dealers across the street. The Bachelorettes (though half of us aren’t bachelorettes any more) are all amazing women who are doing cool things with their lives. It’s always so much fun to hear about what everyone is up to, new perspectives, and new goals. AND of course, we talk about relationships. We are, ahem, after all women.

And at the end, like any good friend group that consists of four women, we dutifully made plans to watch Sex and the City 2 (even though quite honestly, I’m *still* confused about what’s going on because I’ve never watched the series).

If only every week gave us the chance to see friends who are far away! 

So the suggestion was that I should take the Gallup survey from Strengths Finder 2.0. I really like the philosophy that people should focus on their strengths instead of focusing on compensating for their weaknesses. I particularly have struggled to move away from the “well-rounded” approach and really building up what I’m good at instead. Anyway, what Strengths Finder does is take your answers to their survey, analyze them and outputs a list of your 5 greatest strengths. Once you know your strengths, then there are a ton of books on “strengths-based” leadership, working, etc.

So here is what I found my strengths are (according to Gallup):

1. [Primary] Input
People who are especially talented in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often
they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.

2. Strategic
People who are especially talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed.
Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

3. Ideation
People who are especially talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are
able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

4. Communication
People who are especially talented in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put
their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.

5. Achiever
People who are especially talented in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and
work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.

What does this all mean?
As far as I can tell, these strengths are the way I cope with problem. The order is important. So when faced with a new problem/issue/challenge, I first gather all the information I can (Input) and then map out a plan to get whatever I want done (Strategic). I try to make sure that all concepts are sound and that the things that can be connected are properly integrated (Ideation). Once a plan is settled on, then I make sure the idea is communicated to the proper people (Communication) so that it gets done. I then do the daily grind work that makes sure that the project gets done (Achiever).

Pretty cool when I can see my process articulated in this way. I’m still interested in seeing what that means as I move forward into bigger and better things.

What about you?
Have you ever taken this test? What were your strengths?

The premise is simple really: just take time to learn who I am, what things I like and what I am good at. It may, in fact, sound too simple. The odd thing is that I’m one of those people who simply doesn’t take time to figure out my strengths. I am well aware of weaknesses and things I struggle with what I can do to remediate these issues, but when it comes down to it, knowing that isn’t going to propel me in one direction or another.

This year, the way I am going to explore is to:

• Talk to people who know me and can give some insight into what you think I might excel at in the world
• Try things that are new and interesting to me, things that challenge me and bring out a sense of adventure within me
• Read and research new ideas and innovations
• Listen to people who have forged their own path and are the wiser for it

I’m really excited about this! This will definitely be an adventure.

If you are one of those people who knows me and want to give input, please contact me! I’d LOVE to hear from you!

Stay tuned for more adventures in my journey of self-exploration.

Anyway, here’s a pic for all those curious about the tree!

(And yes, this IS very hand made and crafty, and *not* in a good way!)

Isn’t it beeaaauutiful?

Now as it rounds the corner on its 35th or 36th Christmas, I am stuck with a dilemma: What the heck do I DO with this thing? I have no room to store it. It has been at my parents’ place for the last couple years, but they have been on a seek and destroy mission to clean up their place. I’m afraid if I send it back there, it may never come back. On the other hand, I don’t have any storage space that will even let the box through the door!

Today my friend Clint gave me a brilliant idea. Why not make it, instead of keeping it as just a Christmas tree, why not keep it up all year long and make it a HOLIDAY TREE? I could have it dressed for Valentine’s Day in no time! Red and pink hearts, some confetti, throw some chocolates on it and it’s voila! It’s done! Then comes St. Patty’s day in March, Easter in April, and maybe Cinco de Mayo for May. I think there’s a stretch between July and October that could be a little awkward, but who’s planning anyway?

The plus is that it could be a conversation piece for anyone who comes by to visit. Never worry about having an awkward starter conversation about the weather when you’re at my place! Not only can it spawn conversation, it can spawn events! We could have decoration-making parties and monthly “seasonal” dinners with a built in center piece!

Maybe I can start a trend. “Holiday Tree fad sweeps the nation. Michael’s craft store basks in auspicious windfall.” I think it’s a great idea.

Sooooo...who wants to come over and help me decorate for Valentine’s day?

I got curious and looked this up. Preparation H has phenylephrine HCL in it, which constricts blood vessels and reduces swelling. In the US, apparently, the didn’t like the idea of people using it in non-hemorrhoidal ways, so the reportedly reformulated it so it only works on your bum. I’m not even sure how they would target just butt tissue, but oh well. I guess I’ll believe them. But the Canadians seem to be OK with the unsanctioned use of the cream and have left the formula untouched and unchanged (OH Canada! eh!).

SO if you’re able to get ahold of some of this magical stuff you can use it for some of the following purposes:

1. Reduce appearance of bags under eyes.

2. Reduce facial wrinkles and lines.

3. Increase definition of muscles by dehydrating the skin, thus making it pull taut over muscles and creating the appearance of more definition. Often used by dancers and body builders.

4. Decrease the appearance of loose skin and cellulite.

5. Reduce bleeding and promote healing for new tattoos.

DISCLAIMER: I have never tried any of these things! I don’t have a tube of the US produced stuff, much less the Canadian version! However, the official Canadian Prep H site seems to stand behind at least a couple of the things listed above. Check out the official site’s beauty tips here and you can come to your own conclusions!

By the way, has anyone ever tried this before?